Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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