The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
