i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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