Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
