I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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