Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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