yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Randomize
