i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
