Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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