I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
