Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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