i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
