I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
