So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
