you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
