Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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