It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
