I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
