the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
he just fucked me for my cheese.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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