Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
