He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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