I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
operation harelip BJ is a go
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I feel like death gave me a hand job
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?