i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.