he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay