i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
