I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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