Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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