Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
