I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
