Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
