tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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