trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
