getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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