Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
