He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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