People in love make me want to vomit
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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