please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
