Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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