My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
