How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
