i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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