gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are