my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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