She's JV to your varsity
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
