Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
