My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
