It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
