You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
