Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
