I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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