i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
