We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
