call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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