her vagina looked like bernie madoff
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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