she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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