i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
dude. I can hear the air.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
