From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
