Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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