he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
