you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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