The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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